Toys I Hope Aren't Alive Like In Toy Story
Sure, it's fun to have your Buzz Lightyears and your Cowboy Woodys come alive — those toys look like humans and have nothing but love in their little toy hearts. But how narrow minded do you have to be to think that every toy is like that? Some toys are frightening monsters who hate you, hate everything about you, and want to not just see you dead, maimed, but also see you lose everything you've ever loved and dreamed of. There are also some in the middle who are kind of ambivalent about you. Here are some toys that I hope to God aren't running around when I'm sleeping.
Ty Beanie Babies
So many people thought they weer going to collect all the Ty Beanie Babies and sell them off for hundreds of thousands of dollars. It seems crazy now, but you don't know how rare Garcia the Bear and the Princess Diana bear with small pellets and not large pellets got, man. How much are beanie Babies worth now? Well, eBay tells me that, if I kept the tag on him, I sell Doodle the Rooster for 75 cents and a half-eaten 7/11 taquito. I'm desperately hoping that Beanie Babies aren't secretly alive, because there is nothing more dangerous than a creature that was once incredibly valuable and is now worth less than nothing, as Lindsay Lohan shows us every single day.
It always weirded me out how in the beginning of Toy Story 2 Rex played the Buzz Lightyear video game on a Super Nintendo. Does that not count as a toy? Does the Super Nintendo come alive when even the toys aren't paying attention? I don't want the Super Nintendo to be alive because of the philosophical implications. I'd be forced to wonder if I was a toy, and that is not the kind of question I can handle asking in a Presidential election year.
This awesome Two-Face guy I have
I'd worry about this Two Face guy being alive because Two Face is a bad guy and he might do badthings to me while I sleep!
It seemz like the Bratz Dollz would be jerkz if they were alive. They would zteal all my makeupz and uze them on themselvez!
Be honest. You never once fed your Tamogatchi, did you? If he is alive, he is HUNGRY. I mean, also adorable, but mainly HUNGRY.
That sh*tty dog from Monopoly
That dog is totally the type of breed that barks all the time and gets that weird slime goo around his mouth and eyes. Then he comes up to you and makes those cute dog eyes and you feel sad because he is not cute but he is trying so hard to be cute and you don't want to tell him to go away because that'll make him feel sad and the feelings are so bittersweet that you want to just cry right now even when you're just writing a Smosh article about it.
This awesome Barack Obama guy I have
I'd worry about this Barack Obama guy being alive because Barack Obama is a socialist guy and he might do socialistthings to me while I sleep!
Cabbage patch kids
When it's all said and done, history will note that the greatest failing of mankind will be that, even with its' brilliant poets like Yeats and Whitman, its' soulful painters like Van Gough and Botticelli, and its' powerful speakers like King and Churchill, we were never able to adequately describe how much Cabbage Patch Kids can f*ck right off.
Which toys are you hoping against hope are not alive? Let us know in the comments below!