Twas The Night Before Christmas: Ke$ha Edition

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house

The party was still raging on to deadmau5

kesha claus dead maus

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Ripped stockings were hung by the chimney with care

Alongside the fishnets and lace underwear

The hook-ups were nestled all snug in their beds,

While hallucinations appeared in their heads,

Some dude in his naked, and I in my flesh,

Had just settled down for a long boning sesh

kesha claus hook up

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When out on the lawn there arose such a freakout

I sprang from my bed leaving half a butt cheek out

Away from the windows I flew as I flashed

Threw back some Advil and gathered my cash

When what to my half-open eyes should appear but a golden Trans Am

And eight glittery reindeer

With a reckless young driver who whipped them just ‘cause

I knew in a moment it must be Ke$ha Claus!

kesha claus santa hat

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”On Dancer! On Prancer! On Jager! On Townie!”

”On Chugger! On Blazer! On Rich Kid on brownie!”

So up to the housetop the sparkly deer flew

With a backseat of boyz, and an amped Ke$ha, too

And in a hot minute I heard on the ceil’ all the clattering noise of each stiletto heel

kesha claus stiletto heels

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Smudged makeup that stretched from her forehead to cheeks

Her clothes were all tarnished with dried vomit streaks

I took a deep breath and as my head spun around

When down the chimney she came with an autotuned sound

The backseat of boyz had all clung to her knee, and she looked like a hooker from 3000 A.D.

Her eyes, how bloodshot were they!

Her teeth in a state of decay!

Her skin like an orange left out in the sun!

And her beard like an… ew, yup, she had a beard.

kesha claus with beard

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She spoke not a word but went straight to her work

Drank the booze on the mantle and punched out a jerk

And laying her finger aside of her nose

She fell to the floor in a clear overdose!

The boyz jacked her sleigh and reindeer took off

The partiers gathered and jeered as she coughed

I heard Ke$ha exclaim as she frothed from her tongue:

”Merry Christmas to all, and to all, DON’T DIE YOUNG!”

kesha claus die young

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