SMOSH PIT

Twilight: A Guy’s Survival Guide

Posted By: Reid Levin on 06.30.10

Team Edward or Team Jacob? I'm on team, “Who gives an F?"

But guess what? You might want to reconsider because when it comes to attracting the ladies, showing even a glimmer of interest in Twilight is stronger than infinity cans of AXE Body Spray. We’ve prepared a guide to the latest Twilight film, Eclipse, so you can act like a Fanpire around women, without becoming one.

1) Ladies Love Vampires

But which vampires?

Cereal hocking vampires: WRONG

Sparkly, glittery vampires: RIGHT

2) Ladies Also Love Werewolves

But again, only certain werewolves.

They're not into classic werewolves. Classice: WRONG

Hairless, shirtless, emo werewolves: RIGHT

3) Characters Not in Twilight: Eclipse

With all the supernatural beings running around in these movies, it’s good to review which magical and/or super powered characters are not part of the Twilight franchise.

Frankenstein's monster is not a part of the Twilight franchise.

Nor, unfortunately, is Chuck Norris.

4) Choose Your Monster Lovin’

Good girls don’t swing both ways. It's one or the other.

A big part of Eclipse is the main chick Bella struggling with the decision of whether she wants to hook up with a vampire or a werewolf.

It’s kind of like The Bachelorette, but with dudes who can eat your face.

5) Pick A Team

You gotta pick one of these two teams: Team Jacob or Team Edward. It’s a lot like voting: you don’t need to know anything about either candidate, but when the question comes up, you’ll be ready.

6) Spending Eternity With Your High School Sweetheart

Bella makes the ultimate stupid decision in Eclipse: she becomes immortal so she can spend eternity with her high school sweetheart.

These two are only 64 years old. Good luck with eternity, Bella.

**7) How Can Anyone Not Like Twilight?!**

Even the stars of the Twilight movies want to move onto other, better movies. Act like this is a personal attack on you. Talk about how this makes you want to cry.

But don’t actually cry.

8) Don’t See The Movie!

You better have a good excuse for not seeing the movie, or else this whole plan of pretending to be a Fanpire will explode in your face. Just say you downloaded the movie weeks ago and you can’t believe they left out all that stuff from the book.

Chicks will believe you actually give a crap about Twilight. And that means you’ll get the girl.

Check Out The Twilight Eclipse World Premiere!

Tags: article, comedy, eclipse, funny, guys guide, twilight

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79 Comments

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pigpuffpickle

29 weeks ago

TEAM THE GUY THAT ALMOST HIT BELLA WITH A CAR!!!
WOO!

pigpuffpickle

29 weeks ago

OMG! Girls can hate Twilight too!
Take me for example.
I would rather scoop out my own eyeballs with a blunt spoon [blunt spoon?!] than watch it, or even think about it.

God. Seriously.

N2N_FAN

50 weeks ago

Boys? If you hate Twilight, do you really want to be dating someone who loves the things you hate? If I hate drugs, and you love them, I'm not going to pretend it's OK. Just be smart.

OurSmoshyLife

50 weeks ago

Twilight sucks. Robert was only good in Harry Potter. Harry Potter and Percy Jackson are the bomb.

AliiWyss

51 weeks ago

1)im not team Jacob nor team Edward..im team Literature. 2)even though i find this very funny,its not true for the 5% of girls who hate that shhit of twilight, like me

vildemathilde

55 weeks ago

@SMStephMars1 you're so incredibly right.

vildemathilde

55 weeks ago

@SMStephMars1 you're so incredibly right.

RosieeLoviee

56 weeks ago

SM StephMars1 Some women do, some aren't dumb bitches, maybe your are one thoush Steph, you seem like it

SMStephMars1

59 weeks ago

I'm offended. "Women" don't love Twilight. "Dumb bitches" do.

HeyImaUnicorn

65 weeks ago

Pretty sure i'm team Charlie, I mean who DOSN'T love him!

screamingemokid

69 weeks ago

most of the twilight fangirls i know would actually be freaked out if a guy knew about twilight and would automatically assume they were either gay or everyone thought they were gay and refuse to date

ToastySplicer13

75 weeks ago

what happened to good old scary vampires?

m16a2

77 weeks ago

id flip the bird too

spacekidd2

79 weeks ago

I gave my friend a punch in the Huevos for giving a RATS ASS ABOUT TWILIGHT

nillyvanilla3

80 weeks ago

not true - if someone gets ME to believe that he likes twilight, he will get a slap in the face. :)

chorepapa

80 weeks ago

that came out very wrong lemmie re frace, edward is one ugly F-BOMB

chorepapa

80 weeks ago

edward is one ugly firetruck

ocarina of time

81 weeks ago

a lot of twilight

magnatron

82 weeks ago

But unfortunately, she'll go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about Twilight, not knowing that you want every character to burn in the deepest pit of hell.

boyleman

83 weeks ago

so instead of chuck norris they put emo,hairless werewolfes WHO THE @%$# MAKES THIS BULL#@%$

TheNewbyGirl

83 weeks ago

woah. what happened in #7?

dark_peppermint

83 weeks ago

Hey! I love the delicious chocolaty cereal creations of that cereal hocking vampire! It's my favourite cereal!

Obsessed.

83 weeks ago

My friend forced me to watch the first movie after like a year.. Didn't care much for it, so I haven't bothered with the others, but I do enjoy people taking the piss out of it, baha (:

uneek35

83 weeks ago

Again. We already know Twilight sucks. You don't need to continue reminding us. So stop with the Twilight articles. They only attract immature comments.

FFTA2

83 weeks ago

Erm, this will only get you the *twihard* girls. And.. do you really want one?

of course not =)

br0oke

83 weeks ago

Erm, this will only get you the *twihard* girls. And.. do you really want one?

YourEvilAwesomeDoom

83 weeks ago

The people who know when Bella turns immortal have some serious issues. I think they literally put Eclipse there.

alyssamariemoo

84 weeks ago

bella doesnt become immortal in eclipse. it happens in breaking dawn

chaindawgg

84 weeks ago

hey andydrms, no one ever asked you so stfu.

andydrms

84 weeks ago

Wow Becca_1996x no one cares if they dont know because twilght is GAY

Becca_1996x

84 weeks ago

Haha, shows how much smosh know about twilight, Bella becomes immortal in Breaking Dawn, not Eclipse. haha you guys fail XD but i still love you.

cowking-123

84 weeks ago

a movie without chuck norris isnt worth seeing :P

Kleptoinsomniac

84 weeks ago

I might get hated for this...but sparkles should be on a watch or like earrings. Vampires are suppose to like blow up in the sun and...be all blood suck-ee and stuff.Well i'm just saying anyway,Chuck

ravennauchiha

84 weeks ago

Lol
"Hairless, shirtless, emo werewolves: RIGHT"

puistolahti

84 weeks ago

F***ING DOGS annoying smosh just plain annoying...

puistolahti

84 weeks ago

im not those firetrucking dogs

puistolahti

84 weeks ago

i have the perfect idea(from a different webiste and it sadly isnt mine) 1. buy vuvuzela 2.go to twilight movie and sneak in vuvuzela 3. play vuvuzela during entire movie. also: im a real werewolf not