Twilight: A Guy’s Survival Guide

Team Edward or Team Jacob? I'm on team, “Who gives an F?" 

But guess what? You might want to reconsider because when it comes to attracting the ladies, showing even a glimmer of interest in Twilight is stronger than infinity cans of AXE Body Spray.  We’ve prepared a guide to the latest Twilight film, Eclipse, so you can act like a Fanpire around women, without becoming one.

 

1) Ladies Love Vampires

But which vampires?

Cereal hocking vampires: WRONG

Sparkly, glittery vampires: RIGHT

 

2) Ladies Also Love Werewolves

But again, only certain werewolves.

They're not into classic werewolves. Classice: WRONG

Hairless, shirtless, emo werewolves: RIGHT

 

3) Characters Not in Twilight: Eclipse

With all the supernatural beings running around in these movies, it’s good to review which magical and/or super powered characters are not part of the Twilight franchise.

Frankenstein's monster is not a part of the Twilight franchise.

Nor, unfortunately, is Chuck Norris.

 

4) Choose Your Monster Lovin’

Good girls don’t swing both ways.  It's one or the other.

A big part of Eclipse is the main chick Bella struggling with the decision of whether she wants to hook up with a vampire or a werewolf. 

It’s kind of like The Bachelorette, but with dudes who can eat your face.

 

5) Pick A Team

You gotta pick one of these two teams: Team Jacob or Team Edward.  It’s a lot like voting: you don’t need to know anything about either candidate, but when the question comes up, you’ll be ready.

 

6) Spending Eternity With Your High School Sweetheart

Bella makes the ultimate stupid decision in Eclipse: she becomes immortal so she can spend eternity with her high school sweetheart.

These two are only 64 years old.  Good luck with eternity, Bella.

 

7) How Can Anyone Not Like Twilight?!

Even the stars of the Twilight movies want to move onto other, better movies.  Act like this is a personal attack on you.  Talk about how this makes you want to cry.

But don’t actually cry.

 

8) Don’t See The Movie!

You better have a good excuse for not seeing the movie, or else this whole plan of pretending to be a Fanpire will explode in your face.  Just say you downloaded the movie weeks ago and you can’t believe they left out all that stuff from the book. 

Chicks will believe you actually give a crap about Twilight.  And that means you’ll get the girl.

 

Check Out The Twilight Eclipse World Premiere!