Ultimate Summer Movie Guide (For Cynics)

Summer is officially here, as of a couple days ago, and what better way to celebrate it than a brief look at some noteworthy, upcoming motion pictures? So, here it is: my summer movie guide.

 

Cars 2

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Normally, I would recommend not seeing a movie about talking cars—such as that horrible, horrible thing with Lindsay Lohan—but, somewhere deep in my heart of stone and soul of ice, there is a sweet-spot for Pixar. (Release date June 24)

 

Zookeeper

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Normally I wouldn't recommend a movie involving any sort of appearance by Kevin James, and this is no exception. Do yourself a favor and stay away from this atrocity. (Release date July 8)

 

The 84th Harry Potter Film

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For some strange reason, the Harry Potter films are very entertaining. They're utterly horrible—between the whiny acting and cheesy dialogue—but I thoroughly enjoy watching them. Maybe I love magic, maybe I love Emma Watson, or maybe I'm being paid by Warner Bros. to tell you all to see it... the world may never know. (Release date July 15)

 

Winnie the Pooh

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Craig Ferguson is starring in a Winnie the Pooh movie. What more could you want? (Release date July 15)

 

Captain America

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Some things I'll never fully understand: menstrual cycles, and the endless cycle of making and remaking super hero movies is another. I don't know, maybe I'm just cynical—well, I'm certainly cynical—but I don't think they're necessary. Wasn't Iron Man enough? (Release date July 22)

 

Cowboys and Aliens

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As a fan of nonsense, irony, and humor, I, for one, am very excited to see this western with-a-dash-of-extraterrestrials film. If nothing else, it'll be interesting. (Release date July 29)

 

Friends With Benefits

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There comes a point where these types of chick flicks just start to piss me off. Maybe this one's different (ehhem, Mila Kunis), but its title still reminds me of—dare I say its name—Something Borrowed. (The name literally gives me chills.) (Release date July 22)

 

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

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There should be a rule in the film industry: If Tim Burton can't do it well, neither can you. This would definitely apply to the upcoming version of Planet of the Apes. However, I do have mild faith in this one because James Franco is in it. But, then again, I'm pretty sure that Franco has signed a contract with the Devil (i.e. Fox). (Release date August 5)

What movies do you want to see this summer? Tell us in the comments below!

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