Very Best Of FMLife - Father Failures

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Every dad in history treats their child like garbage. I'm sorry, they just do! And this isn't my own resentment towards my father abandoning me coming out or anything! Some kids have it way worse than others though. Let's learn their tales—

 

The stakes have been set

surgeon doing surgery

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your d*ck." FML

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About that nose...

embarrassed in classToday, my father was telling me that one of the benefits about his job was that the family could get discounts, then asked if I'd like some. My dad's a plastic surgeon. FML

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Aw, he's just having a good time!

cinderella at disneylandToday, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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Attack!

sleepy girl

Today, my cat woke me up, but not by kneading on me though. Instead, she woke me up by pouncing on the laser pointer my dad was shining on my face. FML

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Breakfast is SERVED

100 dollar billToday, my dad threw a waffle at my face for his own amusement. FML

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Never too soon to learn

mom on phone Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

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MEGA megalomania

boyfriend with bearToday I walked outside of my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

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Solid timing

playing MMOs

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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It's strong with this one

crossing arms

Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML

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