Video Game Moves that would Break Real Life
I basically do nothing but play video games because my life is hard and I'm very very sad. Oh, how many times I've wished that life could be more like a video game! But when I sit and actually consider it, I realize that no, life should not be like a video game. Trying to change the world to be more like a video game would be a disaster just like any time I try to change anything about my circumstances.
If we could all do parkour, every apartment building ever would be insecure. We'd all have to buy our own houses, and it's really time consuming to own a house, what with all the repairs, cleaning, and people doing parkour outside to swat away with brooms.
If we had the ability to shoot fireballs, all businessmen and businessladies would shoot them at Johnson, the guy who always screws up his reports. Now, if just one person had fireballs, Johnson would end up with a light singe. If everyone has fireballs, Johnson would burn to death. And when everyone who is incompetent at their jobs was killed, bussiness people would get their work done more efficiently, leaving them with more time to contemplate the nature of their lives. The world economy would grind to a halt as every single businessperson realized they were not spending nearly enough time with their families, learning ukulele, or finding the best cup of coffee in all of Seattle.
The drill attack from Bioshock
The drill dash move hurls you forward at high speeds, grinding through walls of people. Now, if you have that power, give me one good reason why you would ever wait in line at Starbucks.
If we can stretch our arms, Americans are going to grow even fatter, as getting up will become a thing of the past, like AM radio and shoes that light up.
The little hop from Mario Kart
Everyone would try it in traffic and it's clearly not high enough to clear any cars. We'd all just get into tiny accidents.
Rambi the Rhino's Horn Attack
If Yoshi's tounge attack were real we'd all sit out in the bushes outside of the drive-through and lick paying customer's food away from them. So now we all have to go inside Carl's Jr. and we're angry because it takes so long for them to open the safe to get out our food.
Braid's Time Travel
If we had time travel, we wouldn't be responsible with it like Braid was! We'd go screw around at Woodstock or throw peanut butter cups at dinosaurs. There would be so many paradoxes that eventually the rules of the universe would just collapse on itself and the sky would be the color of ripping and Barack Obama would be a cthulu.