Video Games That Would Make Horrible Summer Movies
Movie versions of video games have trod a particularly inconsistent path, from the Angelina Joile “Tomb Raider” to the disastrous “Super Mario Bros” to that direct-to-VHS re-imagining of “Pac-Man” that just proved to be a fat guy popping pills. Here are a few other video games that would make horrible summer movies!
Problems appear in first screening when 200 kids would simultaneously try to get the attention of a single tiger cub by each screaming, “Jump!” “Play dead!” or “Ignore that Asian kid in the front row!” Older kids would ruin the film by making the cub lick its own privates.
2. FIFA Soccer 11
This one would be a smash hit everywhere but the U.S., the movie would require Americans to learn the names of more Portuguese players then they thought there were Portuguese. Lack of action would result in countless soccer riots in multiplexes. Tie ending would cause audiences to fear a longer running time or, worse yet, a sequel.
3. Lego Star Wars: The Complete Saga
Moviegoers would be bored out of their minds by this 40 to 50-hour film in which no one bleeds, or really dies. Puzzle-solving would somehow make “Attack of the Clones” section seem even more excruciatingly dull. Character customizer would result in every character becoming Darth Vader.
Marketing this film would be hard... is it a “Cold War movie” because of Russian origin, despite the fact it doesn’t feature a single Russian soldier, American soldier or human? Or is it a warm-hearted movie about “fitting in” even though “fitting in” means pieces will vanish forever from the screen. At least if they call it “porn” they could quickly to recoup its $11 budget.
5. Grand Theft Auto
Hollywood loves a new movie franchise in which every film is exactly the same except for location and hooker body count. And we would finally answer the age-old question “What if you snort coke off a baby’s butt?” but I feel that it would fail to wow the critics. Fans of the game would of course be severely disappointed that they could not truly experience what it is like to shoot, run over and then have sex with a dead grandmother.
6. Batman and Robin: The Movie: The Video Game: The Movie
Making a movie of a video game version of a movie would result in a conceptual nightmare for the follow-up movie tie-in video game. No one in the audience would know if they were watching the characters, playing the characters or watching someone else play the characters.
To translate one of the earliest text video games into film would essentially be 90 minutes of cue card reading. Having text constantly asking viewers where the plot should go next would mean that everyone would have to get a screenwriting credit.
8. Pole Position
Hoping to cash in on the growing NASCAR fanbase, this movie would be done in by its single-camera perspective, lack of background details and absence of any dialogue save someone off-screen yelling, “But mom, I’m almost finished with this lap!”
Who doesn't love the idea of an eco-terrorist thriller? Ultimately, after many rewrites, the film would be turned into a comedy featuring the “Budweiser Frogs” about three piss-drunk amphibians who try to cross a road and river to get laid, only to learn a valuable lesson about love and alcohol poisoning.
So which video game do you think would make the worst movie possible?