Ways To Make Your Friends Think Your Canadian Girlfriend Is Real
While all of your friends were back home sitting around playing video games, you went on a family vacation to a remote cabin in Canada. It should have been the trip of a lifetime. Instead, you got snowed in and spent the whole vacation playing Yahtzee with your parents. It's perfectly natural to want to have a good story so you maybe lie a little bit about getting a new girlfriend in Canada. The problem is that maintaining a fake relationship is going to take a lot of work on your end. You don't want to forever be known as the dude with the made up girlfriend. Here are ways to make your fake Canadian girlfriend seem real to your friends.
Make A Facebook Profile For Her
If she isn't on the internet then she isn't real. Luckily, Facebook is a wonderful tool for creating fake people. Pretty much anyone can say that they are whoever from wherever and get away with it. Don't go too big with this. If you go too big, you'll get caught. Set the language as French and Instead of using a photo of some poor random girl, make the profile picture something artsy or an adorable cat. Finally, set the privacy settings as strict as possible and update both of your relationship statuses. If you need to post anything, make sure you translate it into French using a translator program. Your dumb friends will never know the difference.
Come Up With A Good Backstory
You need a solid meet cute story or no one will believe you. You don't need to get overly elaborate. Maybe you guys met playing each other in Marvel vs. Capcom at a local arcade. Maybe you were both sledding on the same snowy hill. The important thing is to be vague and remember any specific details that you lie about so you don't get caught.
Order Ketchup Chips Off The Internet
Ketchup flavored potato chips are disgusting, but they are also a staple to any Canadians diet. You probably can't find them in any stores where you live so have your "girlfriend" send them to you thorugh the mail. Technically, the internet is probably the closest thing to a girlfriend that you have so it's not even that much of a lie!
Keep Accidentally Paying For Everything With Canadian Money
You most likely won't be able to pay for anything where you live with Canadian money, but you can make a big scene about it. This opens you up to say this phrase all the time, "Sorry. I just get confused cause my girlfriend is Canadian." Commitment is important in any strong lie. That's why you need to commit to this super hard.
Overload On Canadian Pop Culture
You need to read Alpha Flight comics while listening to Rush and wearing a hockey jersey all day every day. You must be able to quote every line from every Rick Moranis movie. These are basic requirements to date a Canadian citizen according to law and stuff.
Make Everyone You Know Try Poutine
Poutine is French Fries covered in gravy and cheese curds. It may sound kind of gross, but it's one of the most delightful things that you can put in your mouth. If there is one good thing that comes out of this horrible lie, it's that you and your friends get to eat poutine for the rest of your lives.
Break Up With Her
This has gone on way too long. You really need to stop. The fact that you haven't been found out yet is miraculous. Break up with her. Act sort of bummed for a week or so, and then you're in the clear. Congratulations! You have successfully pulled off having a fake Canadian girlfriend. Now that you're newly single, it's time to try to date a girl who is a person who exists. At the very least, you should build a robot girlfriend.
Have I told you yet about my Canadian girlfriend? She's totally real. Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!