What a Christopher Nolan Pokemon Movie Would Be Like

Now that Christopher Nolan has wrapped up his vision of Batman, it’s time for him to utilize his “realistic” tone and serious film schoolery for other cult favorites. What if Pokemon was that franchise?

 

Pokemon Now Titled “Pocket Monsters”

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You know Nolan wouldn’t go for an abbreviation; he’s an OG kind of cinematic ninja. I bet the first thing to go in his reworking of the Poke saga would be bringing it back to the longform Pocket Monsters name – branding be damned!

 

No CG

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One of my favorite parts about Christopher Nolan as a director is that he always tries to do practical effects before resorting to CG. Sure, he could go the puppet route (Henson children gotta eat). But with the kind of funding he commands, perhaps he’ll just genetically create them in a lab and then have them sign with the Screen Actor’s Guild.

 

Castings Made From His Own Company of Actors

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Joseph Gordon Levitt as Ash, Christian Bale as Brock and Michael Caine as Squirtle.

 

Pikachu May or May Not Actually Exist

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Expect there to be something extremely convoluted about the essence of Pikachu and the other non-human characters. Maybe it’s all an allegory for Ash’s crippling drug addictions. Or maybe Brock will enter into the mind of a Pikachu only to find the Pikachu within us all. Or maybe Pikachu will unzip and reveal another Pikachu inside a layer of Pikachu inside a ham sandwich inside of Ben Watanabe. The possibilities are as endless as they are half baked and squishy.

 

Misty Has One Scene, Is Now A Brunette

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A blonde actress killed Christopher Nolan’s entire family. Now he only casts brunettes by day and does grown up stuff with blondes at night in an Alfred Hitchcock mask because human sexuality and auteur worship is weird.

 

Everything Looks Cool, Nobody is Happy

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On this I’m certain, with Nolan running the show, everything will look incredible and everyone will be bummed - no matter what. You will not see a hint of a smile in the most fantastically awesome set-pieces or scenarios. “Oh, there’s a pokeball that turns into a submarine that is also a zeppelin and a TARDIS that rains candy and orgasms for everyone. But my mother/lover/father/cousin/orphan is missing/dead/covered in scotch tape, I must avenge them!” Why so serious Nolan? You chase the blues like you gotta catch ‘em all.

 

Would you pay to see Christopher Nolan make a realistic Pokemon movie? Let us know in the comments.

 

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