What To Do With Your Old iPad (Once You Buy The New iPad)

Listen, we're all reasonable people here. I'm going to assume you went out last Friday and bought the new iPad. But now what are you going to do with that old iPad 2? Jesus it's even depressing me to have it here in the house. So here are some suggestions to make use of what is now essentially a slab of cave wall:

 

Donate to children in 3rd world countries

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But make sure you put Jetpack Joyride on it or else you are a monster.

 

Girlfriend prettying machine

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If you fill your iPad's camera roll with pictures of Scarlett Johansson and put it over your girlfriend's face, it's kinda like dating Scarlett Johansson. Just make sure you don't accidentally put any pictures of your actual girlfriend's face on it, because then you might be swiping through and come across her and you're all bleugh.

 

Step stool

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I know it seems worthless to add a mere 8.8 millimeters to your height, but that is much less useless than the 3G network is now. So, you know. Small victories.

 

Smallville poster frame

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If you put an image from Smallville on your iPad and hang it up, people will see it and know you like Smallville enough to acknowledge it but not enough to give it a full sized poster. This is instantly endearing to any guest in your home because that's how they feel about Smallville too. That's how everyone feels about Smallville.

 

Table for babies

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They might be disappointed their new table doesn't have a retina display, but you know what? Shut up babies.

 

Other piece of bread for your sandwich

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It's always so annoying when you only have one piece of bread left and, like, so much turkey.

 

WWE Championship belt

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With a simple extenuation cord, duct tape, and a JPG of the title belt, you can claim to be the WWE Champion! Be warned though — in addition to the fame and adoration that come with the title, there are a lot of grown men who still think it's real. They will cry in front of you and you will feel sad.

 

"Ignition remix" machine

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I think — think — the iPad 2 is capable of playing music from speakers. You might as well use this as an opportunity to finally have the kind of life where R. Kelly's "Ignition Remix" is playing around you at all times. Steve Jobs actually spoke to his biographer about how he envisioned a world where everyone was constantly listening to "Ignition Remix".

 

What are you going to do with your old, worthless iPad? Let us know in the comments below!

 

Check out my unreasonable expectations for the iPad 3!