What If Burger King Were A Real Ruler
Burger King has had a tough time lately, falling behind Wendy’s to become the third most popular fast-food chain. That’s why it’s just a matter of time before the Burger King rises up in revenge and takes control of us all. But what will he do once he becomes Supreme Leader (which sounds like one of his more boastful burgers)? Here’s a sneak peek of what’s in store…
Address His Constituents Naked
The first thing to know about royalty is that because of generations of inbreeding they are all categorically insane. Which is why it makes perfect sense that Burger King would address his people naked in front of an open fireplace with a bottle of Courvoisier at the ready. Then he’ll suck his lower lip, run his hand through his chest hair, make gentle thrusting motions with his nether regions, and announce this week’s beheadings.
Appoint Toy Giveaways and Plush Versions of Himself as Advisors
All rulers are paranoid. Every second of their lives they fear they’re about to be overthrown, imprisoned or die a natural death of 106 stabbings and a pipe bomb. That’s why they routinely look to family members as cabinet members, advisors, and immediate organ donors. However, since Burger King has no family that we know of, he would instead seek counsel from hundreds of look-alike dolls made in the 1980’s, along with appointing the occasional Buzz Lightyear or Powerpuff Girls kid’s meal figure as Defense Minister or Treasurer.
Revoke All Privacy Laws
The best way to maintain absolute control is to make sure none of your people have any personal liberties. So the Burger King would immediately get rid of freedom of speech while still maintaining his “Have it your way” slogan simply for sh*ts and giggles. But given his creepy nature, he would also follow people to work or home, hiding behind walls or trees, hoping to catch one of them do something he could take a photo of on Instagram and post in the hopes of getting more followers or maybe, one day, a “like.”
Personally Choose People for His Own Hunger Games
The Burger King has a long history of simply wandering into people’s homes and staring at them until they give into his suggestive gaze or lose their freakin’ minds from the sheer dead-eyed horror of it all. That’s why when he broadcasts his own version of “The Hunger Games” to promote his new “Slave Wages” dollar menu, the King will handpick his players by waking up next to them in bed. Naked. Then those players will be sent to an arena where they will devour Quad Stackers until the last one not to collapse from colossal heart failure wins.
Get All the Ladies
There’s nothing sexier than power, even when it comes wrapped in a jacket made of red velvet carpet samples, a fur collar that looks like you skinned a wampa, and a large necklace medallion that screams, “My group had a two-second cameo in ‘Krush Groove’ before we broke up.” Of course, a ruler can only claim so many wives and mistresses before everyone winds up with the same last name or birth defects. So every so often the Burger King will let one of his cabinet members have a hook-up…only for the woman to realize she’s dating a “Rugrats the Movie” kid’s meal figure from 1998.
Destroy All Remnants of Previous Rulers
To have total control you must not only claim the future but also rewrite the past. Ronald McDonald was just a figment of your imagination. Wendy was just a story your mom told you. You never really believed that Hardee’s existed in the first place. And the less said about the talking, severed oven-mitt hand of Arby’s the better.
What else could you expect from a real life Burger King? Let us know in the comments!