What If SpongeBob Had Never Been On TV?

Few people know this, but SpongeBob SquarePants actually almost didn't get the role of the star of the SpongeBob SquarePants. The role almost went to noted character actor Paul Giamatti, but producers decided to go with Spongebob, as they felt he was more photogenic.

So what would Spongebob Squarepant's life have been like if he hadn't gotten on television?

 

1. The First Year

Failing to land the role of SpongeBob Squarepants, SpongeBob Squarepants tries to go back to trade school to finish his degree in janitorial services, but he keeps drying out in class because the school is above water, and eventually he has to drop out.

 

2. The Second Year

Unable to complete his trade school degree, Spongebob sits in his tiny, cramped tenement apartment located above a cigarette store staring at a broken TV. He eats hungry man dinners (still frozen) straight out of the box, and tries unsuccesfully not to think about the past.

 

3. The Third Year

Out of what little money he had saved up, Spongebob is reduced to selling his services on the street. Offering to use his face to wash car windshields next to the freeway off-ramp where he  nowsleeps after getting evicted from his tenement apartment for crying too loudly.

 

4. Addiction

Unable to cope with the stress of living on the streets, Spongebob gets tickets to be in the audience of the Price Is Right, hoping to at least win a couch or something to sleep on. But he is ejected from the studio when he, blitzed out of his mind on cheap malt liquor, yells at Drew Carey that he should, "Go back to Drew Carey school!" which is an insult that doesn't even make any sense.

 

5. Redemption

SpongeBob falls asleep in a crosswalk and wakes up several days later under the care of kindly Scientologists who feed him, clothe him, and teach him about Xenu, their benevolent lord and master.

 

6. Xenu

Like every Scientologist who reaches the 33rd level of Scientology, once he has completely cleansed his body of all chemicals, and purified his heart, he is fed to Xenu. All hail Glorious Xenu!

 

What would have happened to Patrick, Squidward, or whatever the hell that Squirrel is called if any of them hadn't gotten on SpongeBob Squarepants? Let us know in the comments!

 

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