What Kratos Will Be Like After He Takes Some Anger Management Classes
Ever since I started taking anger management classes, I pass out due to lack of oxygen from screaming in disappointed horror over humanity's unwillingness to save itself WAY less often. Thanks to anger management, I give up! If there's anyone who should take a page from my book, it's that pouty fellow Kratos. Let's take a look at what Kratos will be like when he WE WASTE OUR TIME ON MEANINGLESS ENTERTAINMENT WHILE THE OCEANS BOIL AND GUNS ARE CALLED MORE VALUABLE THAN THE LIVES OF DOZENS OF CHIL--whoa-ho-ho, that was a close one! Time to go back to class. Anyway here's the article:
He'll Get A Cat
I don't care how consumed with vengeance you are, one look at a cute kitty's fluffy little face and you will forget all about your dead family. Kratos will get a cat and eventually start having pretend conversations with it. "I guess getting all mad wasn't worth it, huh?" he'll say. The cat will meow. He will stop believing in coincidences.
He'll Be All About Herbal Tea
You gotta push all that hate energy somewhere! To get his anger management counselor off his back, Kratos will learn everything there is to know about herbal tea. His counselor always perks up when he tells her about the great conversation he had in Teavana the other day. "You're making real progress," she'll say. Then Kratos doesn't have to actually deal with his problems.
He'll Pick Up Some Sponsorships
Sure, Kratos is popular, but no one wants that guy as the face of their product! As soon as he says he's on the straight and narrow, he's right back to chopping off gods' heads. A few months of anger management will change all that. Expect a Kratos-endorsed line of cameras with this slogan: "I Would Trade Everything For Just One More Memory With My Family (You Know, The One I Was Tricked Into Murdering). Preserve Your Memories Today, Pathetic Mortal!"
He'll Pretend Meditation Is Anything Other Than Just Self-Important People Wanting To Be Thought Of As Deep Because They Waste Time
Kratos will mention that he meditates daily in every interview. The public will go, "Wow, that guy is like, super-centered."
He'll Finally Get That Movie Made
Cuddly, anger-managed Kratos will finally get the movie based on his life green-lit. It will be an action comedy about him and a black comedian (TBD, we're thinking Kevin Hart?) beating Ares in a tennis tournament and it will make $120 million.
He'll Come To Terms With The Terrible Rage That Drives His Every Waking Moment
Haha just kidding. This is impossible. Pain is eternal.
Do you burn with hate? Let us know in the comments!