What Link From Legend Of Zelda Should Put On His Kickstarter Page

HEY. LISTEN. Every time Link starts a quest to find the Triforce or rescue the Princess or wear a Minish Cap or whatever, he has to run around his hometown to rustle up enough money to buy a tunic to breathe underwater or a not-sh*tty shield. To expedite this process, Link is going to start taking donations from you on Kickstarter! LOOK. Don't walk away, you'll get a gift from Link for donating at any level!

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You were hoping for a small key, right? But, uh, now you'll know where to find the small key you need, right? Right?! I get it, there's no bigger disappointment than finding the compass. Maybe you'll donate a little more next time, eh?

 

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You get the boomerang! I mean, for a while. It'll return to Link eventually. There's nothing you can do about it, even. Physicists have ben trying for years to understand how Link's boomerang returns to him even if he walks into another screen. The quantum entanglement of Link's boomerang and inventory is one of science's greatest mysteries. Another of science's greatest mysteries- what the f*ck is a bombchu?

 

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Welp. Here's a bombchu. You figure it out. The only clue we have is that it seems to be attracted to cracks in the ceiling. Shrug.

 

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For a mere fifty rupees, Link will show up and pull one ludicrously large item into place for you with his golden gauntlets. This is perfect if you need to solve any statue puzzles in your house.

 

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Now this is a big deal. If you pledge 75 rupees, you get to jam out with Link and Sheik for an entire afternoon! With these two magical instrument playing together, who knows what kind of lunacy will occur- You might travel back in time, cause a storm, or even warp to the Forest Temple.

 

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What could be better than an extra chance at surviving a fatal wound? Yes, for donating 99 rupees, you can get an entire heart container without having to defeat a powerful, frightening boss like the parasitic armored arachnid Gohma! And if you do find yourself stabbed by a Stalfos or straight up lit on fire by a goddamn flying human skull, you can get your second chance at life back by simply eating any hearts you find lying in freshly cut grass!

 

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You get nothing. Because this wallet only holds 99 Rupees.

Would you donate to Link's Kickstarter? WAIT. Tell us in the comments!

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