What New Years Is Like In The Mushroom Kingdom
Last week I told you about how Nintendo characters celebrate New Years, but I only gave you half the story. You see, the Mushroom Kingdom is much bigger than just its most famous citizens-- and much crazier. Don't believe me? Read on...
Princess Peach Has A Party And It's Super Awkward
Peach's royal jerkwad family spends every year at Peach's castle for Christmas and hangs around until New Year's. Every year it's the same questions: "How could you date a plumber?" "Are you EVER going to put up an anti-Koopa security system?" "When will I get a nephew?" On New Year's Eve, they complain about how her "good-for-nothing Italian boy toy" isn't there until she runs away screaming and gets kidnapped by Bowser. Then all the guests have to leave before midnight, feeling like they rented a tux for nothing. It's weird.
Goombas Have Zero Self Control
Since almost any contact will kill them, Goombas are famously reckless. This New Year's, expect tons of them to get eaten by Chain Chomps and Piranha Plants right after screaming "#YOLO!!!"
Toad Is A Toadal Buzzkill
No one wants to invite Toad to their New Year's parties because he kills any and all buzzes that may otherwise happen. Playing cool music? Toad says it's too loud. Hey, Toad, want a mushroom? No thanks, I am a mushroom. The worst job of all on New Year's is being Toad's wingman, since he's extremely picky with girls. He says his "princess is in another castle," but we all think he's hiding something.
Yoshis Are Excellent Party Monitors
Members of the Yoshi species are great at making sure everyone gets home safely. First of all, if they think you've had too many mushrooms, they will swallow your kart keys and seal them in a giant egg. Second, they are transportation. This is why every Mushroom Kingdom party has at least two Yoshis hanging out by the door drinking cranberry juice.
Violent Crime Among Spike Tops Skyrockets
People tend to get a little rowdy on New Year's Eve, and Spike Tops are no exception. Usually these little guys just crawl up and down walls and mind their own business, but come New Year's, all hell breaks loose. While everybody else is busy celebrating, Spike Tops suddenly remember that they can't be defeated with either jumps or fireballs and decide to steal all the coins they can get their grubby claws on. The cops would try to stop them, except the Mushroom Kingdom has no cops.
Birdo Makes Terrible Decisions
Look, if you laid eggs out of a hole in your face you would probably have issues too. I won't go into specifics, but I will say that Birdo starts every new year with an awful headache and a really big omelette.
Do you eat mushrooms you find in the woods? Let us know in the comments!