What Non-Christians Do On Christmas
Charley Feldman here. Charley FELDMAN. I was raised in a Jewish household devoid of this wonderful, glittering thing you call Christmas.
Year after year me and mine are pressed nosed on the frosty glass of your yuletide cheer. Besides being jealous (or pretending not to be) have you ever wondered what it is that we do on this holiday of holidays? I can’t speak for all the flavors of religion out there, but here’s how I celebrate Christmas time. L’chaim!
You don’t have to believe in evolution to understand that some entities have a symbiotic, harmonious relationship. Thus is the non-Christians and Chinese food on Christmas -the Jewish people in particular. Everyone assumes that our holiday is Channukah this time of year when in fact it’s “How Many Eggrolls Can I Eat In One Sitting-ukkah” (it’s much less marketable but highly delicious).
Go See a Film
While Christians are desperately trying to tear themselves away from their drunk Aunt Agnes who keeps confusing them for a young Jon Bon Jovi circa “Dead or Alive”, we heathens have our pick of the cinema seats. You may have a reserved ticket to heaven, but we’ve got the rows with the handicap bars to put our feet up the whole movie.
I don’t know why the baby J loves watching giants toss orange rubber balls into hoops, but I’m not going to argue with him on his birthday.
Talk Sh%#* About Christmas
Nothing fits your Christmas itinerary so far? Well it’s probably because you’re too busy pretending not to care or outright taking a huge dump on other’s holiday cheer. Either it’s too glorifying of commercialism or too preachy about love and goodwill. Maybe you’re one of those people who hates anything that’s universally loved (what is that called? Being a hippity? Hippersters? I don’t know what young people say, I was born in the late 80s). But if you’re not too busy jealous, you’re probably too busy aggressively not caring.
Pretend Everyone Was Raptured
Here’s what I like to do. Most of the city I live in is deserted Christmas day, so I love to walk around like it’s the beginning of 28 Days Later. Plus it’s good practice if by a hilarious minor hiccup in logic and cosmic sense people who believe in the Rapture are right and you need to figure out how long it would take to break and enter your neighbor’s apartment and steal their PS3.
Succumb To The Spirit(s)
At the end of the day, Christmas kind of rules. Channukah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, all holidays pale in comparison to the bloated poinsettia festooned warship that is Christmas. Thank the druids and other heathens for creating winter traditions to be patched together so awesomely and bought whole cloth by early Christians. It’s truly the most wonderful time of the year! So, get some nog, put on Die Hard and have yourself a merry little Christmas, no matter what you believe.
Happy Holidays From Smosh!
What do you do on Christmas? Is it Christmas? Let me know in the comments. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter or Santa will give me your presents.