What One Direction's New Show Would Be Like If It Was A One Hour Police Procedural

CSI, Law & Order, NCIS: One hour police procedural shows are all the rage these days. There's nothing America loves more than justifying it's alarming incarceration rates. Which is why, given the popularity of those shows, it seems clear to me now that One Direction has signed with Nickelodeon to star in a show, that there's no better format for that show than police procedural. So, you ask, what would a "One Direction" police procedural be like? 

 

The Title: 

"Welcome To Hell Street: Special Victims Unit"

 

Their Catch Phrases:

(source)

Niall: "There's only one direction you're headed: the slammer."

Liam: " You're only going to get one direction from me: you have the right to remain silent."

Zayn: "One Direction, Two Fists, No Compromise."

Louis: "Two directions? *slapping sound * Not on my watch, lady."

Harry: "Guys I farted and I think stuff came out."

 

The Premise:

The Captain accidentally assigns five hot-headed, play-by-their-own-rules detectives to the same unit, the deviant occult sexual crimes unit. Sure, they're all hot-headed, and yeah, most of them don't play by the book, but they all sure as hell know how to get things done. Tune in each week as they clash with their personalities almost as much as they clash with the cult-loving sex perverts they're determinded to bring down.

 

The Personalities:

(source)

Niall: Hot-Headed, Doesn't play by the rules

Liam: Hot-Headed, Doesn't play by the rules

Zayn: Hot-Headed, Doesn't play by the rules

Louis: Hot-Headed, Doesn't play by the rules

Harry: Sh*ts himself when he's scared, sleeps all day

 

The Pilot:

(source)

The boys must take a speedboat to the island fortress of an insane cult leader named Baron Penis who is terrorizing the city by beheading women and then leaving their heads in mailboxes. Niall, Liam, Zayn, Louis, and Harry take on Baron Penis by being as hot-headed as they can while playing by virtually none of the rules, and despite Harry's constant bungling he somehow manages not to f*ck it up for the rest of them. Also 2 of them make out with chicks.

 

Guest Stars:

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B-list guest stars always make appearances as guest characters on police procedural shows, in the pilot episode Barry Bostwick plays a homeless pedophile who still lives with his mother, who is also homeless, and also a pedophile

 

The Twist:

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There are a million one hour drama cop shows out there. So what makes this show different than all the other cop shows out there? That's simple: on those shows the cops have all sorts of directions to go in. Sometimes as many as seven or eight. Not on this show. I won't say exactly how many directions there are to go in this show, because I don't want to give away any spoilers, but I will say this. It's not many.

 

What do you want to see happen on a One Direction police drama? Let us know in the comments!

 

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