What We’d Do If We Won The Lottery

When people talk about what they’d do if they won the lottery, they usually say they’re going give money to charity and their families and friends. That’s very nice. But we at Smosh are kind of selfish jerks, so we'd keep all the money for our my own enjoyment. Instead of buying homes for our mamas, we'd do this stuff.

 

1. Buy A Diamond Bra

In 2006, Victoria’s Secret created a bra decorated with 2,000 diamonds, including the tacky broach between Karolina Kurkova’s boobs. The price? Only $6,500,000. What a deal! If we won the lottery, we’d totally buy this, as long as Karolina Kurkova modeled it for us.

 

2. Put MySpace Out Of Its Misery

MySpace is obsolete, but the people who run the company are having a tough time accepting it. If we won the lottery, we'd buy it, kill it and give it a decent funeral. As long as MySpace continues to exist, the world will be plagued by 13-year-olds posting video of their emo bands, and we just can’t let that happen.

 

3. Raise Ocelots

Ocelots are so awesome! At first, they’re cute, cuddly little kittens, and then when they grow up, they can rip off people's faces and eat their brains. But they’re smart, so you can train them only to attack bad people, like burglars and boy bands.

 

4. Flip New Jersey

Judging from television, New Jersey could use some fixing up—it’s kind of run-down and trashy, and a lot of the women wear a ton of makeup and have really big hair. But we see potential…we’d like to buy it, fix it up and sell it for twice what we paid. The first thing we’d do is get rid of Jersey Shore and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

 

5. Invest In The SETI Institute

The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute (featured in Jodie Foster’s Contact) is probably the most important organization in the world. Someone’s gotta be ready for the aliens when they visit/attack. If SETI “hears” them approaching, we’ll have time to clean up our satellite transmissions. We don’t want the aliens to think Twilight: Eclipse is representative of our society.

 

6. Hunt Ghosts

Ghost hunting requires all kinds of expensive equipment, but winning the lottery would enable us to put together a crack team of famous paranormal experts and outfit everyone with all the equipment we need, including Cloaks of Invisibility. Then the ghosts won’t see us and hide when we come in with the ghost-o-meter. Also, when we find them, we are going to bust the hell out of them, Bill Murray style.

 

7. Get Lasik For Everyone We Know

When the zombies come, people with glasses or contacts will be at a significant disadvantage if they lose their lenses and can’t find a Walgreen’s. We’ll make sure that everyone living in our zombie-proof compound has perfect vision. We’re going to need all the lookouts we can find to hold the invasion at bay.

 

8. Clone Mila Kunis

Everyone in America should have his or her own Mila Kunis. Women love her because she’s feisty and independent, and guys love her because she looks like Mila Kunis.

 

9. Find The Lost City Of Atlantis

With unlimited funds, we’re certain we could find Atlantis—not that fake one they tried to pass off on us a few years ago, but the real city, the one filled with mermaids and treasure. Once we found it, we’d raise it with hydraulics and turn it into a luxury resort where people can swim with dolphins and practice the Ancient Magic.

 

10. Buy Alaska And Kick Sarah Palin Out On Her Ass

We were stoked when Sarah Palin’s Alaska was canceled, but we’d like to do one better and oust the b*tch from politics forevermore. She’s much better suited for living in New Jersey.

What would you do if you won the lottery? Tell us in the comments!

 

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