What Would Happen If Real Plumbers Went To The Mushroom Kingdom
Mario and Luigi are the two best-known plumbers ever, but when was the last time you saw them fix a toilet? The only person nearly as famous for a job she doesn't do is Kristen Stewart. Let's take a look at what the Mushroom Kingdom would be like if it had actual plumbers instead of filthy lying Italians.
Piranha Plants Exterminated
Mario never does his actual job. (Look, buddy, I enjoy eating mushrooms and killing turtles as much as the next guy, but I don't let it get in the way of my work.) A real plumber would see "thousands of ravenous spike monsters infesting the whole Kingdom's pipes" as reason enough to get out the Drano. The only downside? Some of those Piranhas have kids. It isn't easy telling Petey Jr. he's an orphan.
Crash In Mushroom Supply
BIOLOGY LESSON TIME: mushrooms grow in poo! This is probably the whole reason the Mushroom Kingdom is the way it is, because no one ever disposes of waste properly. If real plumbers figured a way to get the place's pipes working, what would happen to the Toads??? (I'll skip ahead a few steps and tell you: most of them would die.)
Bowser Would Be Way Harder To Beat
You think Bowser LIKES having lava all up in his castle? Naw, man. That guy just needs a proper drainage system. If real plumbers checked the place out, the first thing they'd do is make absolutely sure that bridge Bowser hangs out isn't inches away from molten rock. Then you'd actually need to beat him, which is hard, because he's big and hard and spiky.
Bonus Room Riches!
Plenty of pipes in the Kingdom lead to rooms that apparently only Mario knows about, as they're full of shiny gold coins. If real plumbers showed up, this cat would get out of the bag fast. The plumbers wouldn't even have to charge people for plumbing-- as long as they have a good reason to keep disappearing down pipes, they could keep their moneymaking scheme secret! Pretty sweet deal. Except...
"You're on enemy turf, paisan," Luigi would say to a weeping plumber, twirling his Smash Hammer. "If word gets around some out-of-town scumbags are doing Mario's job better and cheaper, maybe some princesses think they don't need to pay Mario no more. And we can't have that."
"You're a monster!", the plumber would scream, trying not to let his eyes dart over to the flattened mess that used to be his partner's skull. Luigi would smirk. "Monster? It ain't me you gotta be afraid of." He'd drop the hammer. "Oh no! Oh please god no!"
A Fire Flower would spark to life, illuminating a familiar face. "NO! Anything but the Flower! I'll do whatever you want!" But it's too late. The Flower burns ever closer, boiling away the plumber's tears before they fall. "If the devil asks who sent you," the face would growl over the plumber's sobs, "tell him this: IT'S-A ME, MARIO!!!"
Do you know better than to mess with the king? Let us know in the comments!