Which Mario Power-Up Would Most Help You Out With The Ladies?

Princess Peach is basically the perfect woman. One day she'll just up and bake you a cake and the next she's crushing you at tennis and making blue sparks to beat you in go karts. So how does some fat schlub like Mario get together with her? The same way he defeats any evil that invades the Mushroom Kingdom: power ups! Here's how you can use those weird magic objects that pop out of floating blocks to pick up chicks.

 

Starman

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The starman makes you invincible by killing anyone who touches you. So if you activate this power up, your girl won't even be able to give you a cute little smooch on the cheek without dying that disconcerting death of turning upside down and falling straight off the screen. But maybe that sense of danger will entice her. We call it the Twilight syndrome - some girls are attracted to that which can hurt them. Please note, this will only work on girls dumb enough to be attracted to that which can hurt them.

 

Feather

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Have you ever seen Aladdin? How about Superman? If you have, you know that girls love a guy who can pluck them from the Earth and take them soaring through the clouds. Granted, flying with the cape isn't as easy for feather-users as it is for Aladdin and Superman. They'll need to get a running start, and at the peak of flight begin timing their back button presses correctly. That said, girls love a guy who can time his back button presses correctly.

 

Leaf

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Same as the feather, but only if you're trying to pick up a furry.

 

Cloud Mushroom

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No girl wants to date a guy shorter than themselves. If you use the cloud mushroom to make little platforms for yourself to stand upon at all times, then you're going to date the tallest ladies around! Are tall ladies any more beautiful than average-sized ladies? As a 5'3 man, I can say without a doubt that they might be!

 

Fire Flower

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This power-up will really get her hot! No, no, really, this will get her hot. Like so hot she might die. This power-up will kill the girl you love by burning her to death.

 

Metal Cap

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Oh, you cried at the end of Marley and Me, you say? SHUT IT, GIRLY. No woman is going to be interested in some touchy-feely baby guy. Emotions are a turn-off. Never allow your face to betray one again with the Metal Hat.

 

Mushroom

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By making you significantly, larger, the mushroom changes you from the guy at the beach having sand kicked on him to the guy on the beach who's kicking the sand. No blonde girl who's ever worn a bikini isn't into that.

 

Bee Mushroom

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Same as the mushroom, but only if you're trying to pick up a furry.

 

Boo Mushroom

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Same as the mushroom, but only if you're trying to pick up a furry who died.

 

Hammer

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Sure sure, every girl says they're not attracted to a man who swings a hammer at everything that crosses his path, but when they're really honest with themselves, every girl is attracted to a man who swings a hammer at everything that crosses his path. At a subconscious level, girls relate this to you taking a hammer to any obstacle our love might face - be it overbearing parents, obsessive exes, or flaming barrels thrown by a mutant gorilla.

What power-up do you want to keep in that floating blue box that you can press select to use when you encounter a girl? Let us know in the comments!

 

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