Why Are Princesses In Video Games So Crappy At Defending Themselves?

There's an old North American saying that goes, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." In the Mushroom Kingdom they have a similar saying, "Kidnap me once shame on you, kidnap me dozens of time what the hell is my f*cking problem?"

Nobody gets kidnapped more than video game princesses. Even Disney Princesses, as lame as they are, will at least pick up a pan and hit a guy. Stephen Hawking can defend himself better than Princess Zelda. So why are video game princesses so damn incapable of defending themselves.


They Aren't Allowed To Dress, Bathe, or Clean Anything


Princess Peach has well over a hundred servants who dress and undress her, bathe her, comb her hair, do her dishes, and catch her feces in a silver chalice while she sleeps. How is Peach supposed to learn to defend herself when she isn't even aware that she excretes food waste?


Their Gowns Are Really Heavy


In order to look at attractive and ornate a princess is supposed to Princess Zelda's dress ways close to 170 pounds, with over 55 of those pounds in chastity belts alone. I don't care if Jackie Chan was the one getting kidnapped, 170+ pounds of ruffles, corsets, jewelry, and maiden belts are going to keep anyone from succesfully keeping Bowser off of them. 


They Only Eat Gold


Only the finest for the daughter of the King. Gold being such a rare prized metal all that a princess eats must be coated in it to be fit for her. Unfortunately gold is deadly poison and leaves princesses incredibly malnourished, blotchy skinned, and aenimic. One Video Game Princess died of fright when her cat unexpectly purred at her from behind.


They Are Shaped Conveniently For Grabbing


Video Game Princesses are incredibly hot, but also unrealistically hot, and their hourglass figures are so hourglass that most anybody can clasp their hands together around their wastes and just carry them out with no trouble at all.


A Sheltered Childhood


Princesses are treated so daintilly and kept away from anything remotely upsetting as a child that when they grow up they have no idea there are bad things in the world. So are completely incapable of suspecting anyone of wrong doing, no matter how many times that person does something bad to them. That's why Bowser is so confused every time he comes to the Princesses' window again and she's like, "Oh, hello, Bowser! It's so nice to see you again!"


Drunken Boyfriends


Mario and Link are Type A personalities. They can't slow down. When there's no adventure for them to go on they get ill-tempered and restless. They drink because they can't take the terrible silence of down time. Their restlessness turns to anger, they become quick tempered and take their frustrations out on their girlfriends. So Zelda and Peach learn to want to be kidnapped just so Mario and Link will have something to do and not come home drunk every night.


Hundreds Of Years Of Inbreeding


Royal families insist on only the finest bloodlines for their families, which means they tend to marry within their own famiy trees. While it keeps their bloodlines pure, years of inbreeding produces genetically weak and deficient offspring with tons of malformities. Princess Zelda, for instance, while beautiful, has two club feet, a lazy eye, and almost no bone marrow to speak of.


Why else are video game princesses so lame? Let us know in the comments!


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