Why Buffy The Vampire Slayer > Twilight
What’s the difference between Buffy and Bella’s Vampires & who sucks more? (More blood, of course!)
WHAT THE BUFF?
A fearless high-school fox has the hots for a dude who’s cooler than a meat locker and has a penchant for plasma. Are we talking “Twilight” here? Or “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”? Oh, that’s right – they’re super similar. I knew Twilight felt familiar, but I thought it was just general suckiness. Not the blood – the whole franchise, I mean. I wasn’t a big Buffy fan till Twilight forced me there by default. I mean, what could be lamer than a ditzy blonde as the chosen Slayer? Oh, I know: sparkly beach-ready vampires!
So grab a bottle of “True Blood” and let’s dive into this painstaking (get it?!) analysis of Buffy visiting the town of “Fork Off” (or whatever it’s called.)
BUFFY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING
Buffy has better shizzle to do then angst-out over whether her vamp-buddies Angel (or Spike) will bite her, marry her & least of all KNOCK HER UP. (I mean, has Bella ever even SEEN “16 & Pregnant”? Somebody call Dr. Drew!) Buffy's got bigger problems, like saving the world, again! At Smosh, the smart money says Buffy would consider slaying herself if she woke up surrounded by “Twilight.” Let’s play through, shall we?
EVEN SESAME STREET HAD A VAMPIRE
Nothing is new under the moon – especially not ancient, vampirical lore! "Buffy" may not be produced anymore, but it wasthe last show to uphold the basic laws of vampirism! We ALL know the real rules from ENDLESS vampire movies and shows. There’s the garlic thing, wood stake, no daylight, sleep in coffins, turn to bats, suck blood… We get it. So where does Meyer get off with her Spring Break MTV-ampire Party?! Sun is OK? They SPARKLE? They have BABIES? What’s next – work in cubicles for a Garlic Factory and eat Gazpacho?! I call “POSER."
THE WORLD’S HOTTEST SOCIAL OUTCASTS
Excuse me while I laugh till I puke out my eye-holes. Girls as hot as Bella wouldn’t be unpopular at a Monastery for the blind. Plus, Bella is an “outcast” in a town so small, saying “she looks like the girl next door” could mean a sheep. Pardon me as I RSVP “BS” to this invitation to her pity party. As for her whining over Edward? Bella needs to take a lesson from Buffy. “We break up, you’re staked up.” That’d be MY motto. And when did the classic “bad boy” look expand to include glittering-up like James Dean at a West Hollywood Gay Pride parade?
VAMPIRES ARE LIKE ROCK STARS
Edward is weaned off human blood & just drains animals? WHAT A DORK! Even Ozzy bit the head off a bat and he’s a DAD! Vampires are supposed to be the ultimate rock stars: eternally young, only out at night – all night, EVERY night. They get the hottest girls to faint over them (usually from blood loss.) But there’s a price – it’s lonely. Nobody understands them, man! If Bella is like a naïve groupie, Buffy has a backstage pass to kill.
IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE & DEATH
Why doesn’t Buffy just slay Edward, the Cullens, Bella & hell, throw in Stephanie Meyer, already? Two words: copyright infringement. But here in the warm, sarcastic bosom of SMOSH, anything is possible. (Don’t worry – Sparkly’s goin’ down.)
THE FEAR FACTOR
But first, there is so much more to complain about! Let’s talk big picture for a moment. Vampires can and should be really scary – but they rarely are in either Teenpire franchise. Seen “Let Me In” yet? That vampire is scarier than anything in Twilight and she’s a 10-year-old girl.
HIPSTER DREAMS DO COME TRUE
I think Bella is an emo little Avril Lavigne wanna-be who only wants to turn into a bloodsucker because she’s too embarrassed to admit she likes steak in front of all her little vegan friends. It’s obvious, really. Do yourselves a favor: Netflix “Heathers” & see what Bella could have been. (And why Winona Ryder had a career.) BTW Kristy Swanson was the better Buffy. That’s right – I said it. I’m not afraid of your comment WRATH! Bring it!!!
Here’s a twist. So Buffy meets Edward & falls for his fairy-dusted complexion. Bella would be S.O.L. (Shizz Outta Luck) if Buffy moved in on her man! Oh SURE, Edward’s obsessed with Bella NOW, but like they said – it’s a small town! Buffy is the CHOSEN ONE! Bella’s just some anemic depressed chick. Besides, I defy any vampire to tell me the Slayer is not the ultimate conquest.
SPOILER ALERT! (WE HOPE!)
Here at Smosh, even us monkeys on typewriters know there’s a long way to go yet on the Twilight train. We’re excited for the inevitable WB Studios & Lion’s Gate mash-up of Twilight and Harry Potter! But as for the Buffy take on Twilight, here’s an artist’s rendition of the happy ending we non-Twihards all dream of.
Who do you think would win? Let us know in the comments!