Why I'm Glad Animals Don't Behave Like They Do In Cartoons

I am constantly breathing a sigh of relief that we don't live in some sort of "Who Shot Roger Rabbit" hybrid animated reality. Why? The animals. Cartoon animals are a terrifying notion to me, something that keeps me up in night, sweating into my sensory deprecation chamber (I'm a big Daredevil fan). Since some of you seem skeptical (I've turned on your webcams and can see your furrowed brows) here the reason Why I'm Glad Animals Don't Behave Like They Do In Cartoons:

 

They Would Use Tools

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In cartoons, animals usethings like hammers and phones, and all manner of tools and gadgets. But in reality, animals are born with things like fur, claws, and sharp teeth because they evolved an innate set of tools to maximize their ability to survive in their environment. By ALSO having the ability to use man made tools, they would gain a huge natural advantage that they would use to DESTROY US!

 

They Would Talk

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What percentage of conversations that happen during your day do you think "I'm glad I had that conversation" after it's over? Ten? Twenty? Now, imagine if you had to run the risk of a conversation with EVERY ANIMAL ON EARTH, all of which are also dumber than humans (except maybe dolphins, that might be fun).

 

They Would Drive Cars

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Again, like with tools, if an animal is supposed to be able to go 60 mph, they've evolved the qualities necessary for that. I don't need a bear pulling up next to me on the highway because I didn't properly lock up an old Wendy's takeout bag.

 

They Would Wear Clothes

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It's unnatural and God would punish us! Also, they never seem to wear pants…

 

They Would Have Breasts

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In nature, female animals have distinct characteristics separate from men, but they don't have the full, womanly breasts female cartoon characters so often have. Rabbits aren't supposed to be shaped like Christina Hendricks. And please, please don’t research this point with your Google Images safe search turned off. My eyes.

 

They Would Endorse Products

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There are already enough human celebrities who have betrayed my trust in their integrity by being willing to endorse any product for any amount of money (Alec Baldwin, enough), I don't need my favorite animals to start letting me down as well. "ExtenZe! They're GRRREAT!"

 

They Would Hate Mondays

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Why? What do cartoon animals have to do during the week that’s different than the weekend? When has Garfield ever done anything but sleep and eat Lasagna/ferns? WHY THE MONDAY BEEF?!

 

What things are you glad are not anthropomorphized? Let us know in the comments!

 

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