The Worst Times To Be Naked

No one should ever be ashamed of his or her body. Nudity is natural. After all, you never see an animal suddenly realize it’s naked and then hide behind a rock until the zoo closes and all the visitors have left, only to say to his fellow monkeys, “Did you know we were having company over today?! Seriously, I haven’t been this embarrassed since I found out too late we’re suppose to peel the banana first!” That said, though, there is a time and a place to go au natural, and the following scenarios aren’t either…

 

Family Gatherings

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Perhaps the only thing that could make someone feel more vulnerable than being naked is being in the presence of one’s entire family. So why combine the two? After all, these are the very people who not only know what all your weaknesses are and which emotional buttons to push but also tend to take countless pictures for photo albums, Facebook wall postings or what could prove to be the most memorable visual record of a holiday/Communion/funeral service ever. So best to save the nudity for afterwards, when your relatives have caused you to completely lose your mind and run screaming back home, pantless but still promising to text when you arrive safely.

 

First Day at Work

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Nothing solidifies your reputation at the office like your first day at a new job. That’s because your initial appearance is everybody else’s big opportunity to size you up, rush to judgment or quickly scan you for faults that could easily be altered into demeaning nicknames that will last long after you’ve left, been fired or return to the office with a rifle and enemies list. So remember to put on that shirt, those pants and your best smile. Then after you’ve settled into a routine, made some friends and developed a solid, unimpeachable professional reputation can you start strutting down the hallways in nothing but a hat and socks, confidently joking with coworkers and asking for a full-length photo ID.

 

While Commuting

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Unless you have tinted windows, illegally installed vertical blinds or drive a Dumpster, people can always see inside your car on the highway. They can see you when you pretend to sing along to the radio, using one hand as a microphone and the other to keep a beat as your careen across three lanes of traffic and a roadside fruit stand. They can see you when you have your index finger so far up your nostril you almost poke your eye out from the inside. And they can definitely see you as you sit in your car naked, trying to make up for lost time by applying make-up, showering with a Wet Nap and brushing your teeth with the ice scraper.

 

Weddings

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These days more and more people are opting for theme weddings. Consequently, more and more guests are leaving theme weddings saying, “Maybe if I watched ‘Lost’ I would have understood what the f*** was with the black smoke monster and polar bear during the vows.” So unless nudity is a crucial part of your religion—a religion you almost certainly made up on a bet, dare or bender—try to keep on the tux or gown so your guests don’t leave your ceremony saying, “Maybe if I watched ‘Lost’ I could have replayed an entire episode in my head instead of going hysterically blind looking at that full frontal freakfest.”

 

Court Hearing

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Unless you want to be declared mentally unfit to stand trail, are suing about a remarkably unfortunate tattoo or completely picked up the wrong legal pointers from an episode of “Law & Order: SVU,” it is always wise to attend all courtroom proceedings in clothes or at least some sort of oversized bag with cinching rope. Or you could just split the difference and simply sketch a tie on your naked chest with a marker and hope the jury is charmed by your steady drawing hand and obvious willingness to meet the law halfway.

 

Parent-Teacher Conferences

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Any parent will tell you, kids will drive you insane. Day by day, month after month, those little maniacs will chip away at your sanity with their incessant demands, non-stop whining, temper tantrums, last-minute school projects and inability to make it through a single meal without lodging a French fry in the wrong head hole until your mind snaps so loudly that everyone can hear it at Gymboree. But that’s still no reason to show up at a school meeting stark naked, babbling about Diego and Lunchables. Especially since the teacher will already be nude, having lost their mind dealing with 30 of those tiny monsters every damn day.

 

 

What are some places you've not been allowed to be naked? Let us know in the comments!

 

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