Zayn Malik Is Ruining Test Scores as Well as Lives
Unless you don't use the internet, you've probably heard that Zayn Malik is leaving One Direction. And while you probably *takes deep breath* don't care, you're also probably aware that a lot of middle schoolers care VERY MUCH INDEED. In fact, this has affected one Texas middle school teacher's class so much that she wrote an open letter to One Direction to complain.
This hair has the power to control the minds of our children. Let that sink in a bit.
In San Antonio, one teacher has been prepping her middle schoolers for the writing portion of the STAAR test, which is another one of those pointless standardized tests designed to make young kids hate school more than usual. The teacher wishes to remain anonymous, but she wrote an open letter to One Direction, condemning Zayn Malik's inconveniently-timed departure because it is ruining her students' preparation for the state mandated exams.
The letter is really priceless, and if it wasn't from a teacher from Texas, I'd have assumed it was written by a savvy Onion writer. But this thing is real, and it is golden:
I didn't what to laugh at first, but the idea that middle schoolers can't get their s*it together over a boy band, or that this teacher thinks the STAAR test is going to affect her students' future college opportunities, is very funny. My favorite line in the letter is definitely "PS: Who do you think you are — The freaking Beatles?" Honestly, lady, as much as it pains me to say this, but yeah, as far as their level of global impact on pre-pubescent girls goes, they're not far off. One Direction circa 2014 is probably on par with The Beatles circa 1964. I'm sure everyone failed their school's pointless standardized test the day John Lennon died, and rightfully so.
I really, really hope that One Direction responds to this letter with a song and music video, because if they don't, they're wasting everybody's time (more than usual).
But for real, this teacher should consider a career in writing accidental satire.