If Game Console Names Were Brutally Honest

Can you imagine how the guy who came up with the name "Wii" pitched it to the guys at Nintendo? I can't, but I can imagine what the response was: "That is a great name and I love it, but we also will not be giving you a raise this year, because you still basically just pitched us a synonym for 'penis.'"

Other than that weird example, most game consoles these days have pretty simple names. Often, though, these names don't tell the whole story, so I've decided to give a few of them a rebranding so that are a bit more indicative of what the consoles are.

Nintendo 3DS

Honest Console 3DS

People always dismiss this console entirely because the 3D gives them headaches. You do know the 3D can be turned off, right?

 

Xbox 360

Honest Console Xbox 360

Before you play Halo or Call of Duty online, make a checklist containing all the homophobic, racist and profane terms you know. Once you've heard them all through the voices of 12-year-olds you've killed in matches, take a shot of Mountain Dew.

 

Playstation 4

Honest Console PS4

If you're really impressed with processing power and performance, but don't know what a PC is (or can't figure out how to get one for cheap), then this is the console for you!

 

Xbox One

Honest Console Xbox One

I was torn between this name and "Netflix Machine," which is apparently the only "killer app" the Xbox One has.

 

PS Vita

Honest Console Vita

On paper, the Vita is better than the 3DS in just about every way. Still, for some reason, nobody has one, and you can't play Pokémon on it, so what's the point? It's like spending a lot of money on a knife organizer when you only have spoons. Thanks to Alanis Morrisette for that random analogy.

 

Mobile Gaming Device

Honest Console Mobile

Do you think the mobile gaming industry would be as big as it is now if people didn't need to poop? Probably not! Also, the author of Everybody Poops probably wouldn't have been able to afford to build the Poopboy Mansion, which is where I assume he lives.

 

Alienware P.C.

Honest Console Alienware

Alienware computers can be great, but they're expensive, and not really that great. If I see you with one, I assume you have too much money (or your parents do), you don't know much about building a P.C., and you're probably single. No judgement in that last one, though.

 

Razer Gaming Laptop

Honest Console Razer

When you see a college kid bring a laptop to a college lecture, do you think, wow, he's gonna take notes SO HARD? No–you think, boy, I hope I hope he plays something cool so I can watch. Also, please don't watch porn because that would be really awkward.

 

OUYA

Honest Console OUYA

Towerfall is the most successful game sold on the OUYA, and that only sold 7,000 copies. The Walking Dead: Survival Instinct sold more than that. But at least OUYA's making money from all the Mario and Sonic games people are always playing on it, right? OH WAIT.

 

Wii U

Honest Console Wii U

It happened to the Gamecube and the Wii, and I feel like it's already happened to the Wii U.

 

Which of these new console names do you think work better than their official ones? And which ones do you think I got wrong... perhaps because you were at the midnight launch of that particular console and are secretly in love with it? Let me know in the comments below!

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